You Don't Disappear When You Become a Mother — You Expand
It's really okay for us to be our own women. In fact, I would venture to say—it's better for our children.
What It Means to Be Both a Mother and a Whole Person
You were once a child, too. If you're lucky, one who was raised well… one who had dreams, desires, a sense of who she might become. Maybe being a mother was always part of that dream. But it wasn't all of it.
I want to gently remind you this Mother's Day: It's okay to remember who you are; to reclaim the parts of you that existed long before anyone called you "Mom;" to think about who you imagined you'd be when you were a little girl.
You are raising your children, yes. But you are also leading a life.
There is a way to see yourself not just as the center of your children's world—but as a whole person within it. A kind of shepherd… guiding, nurturing, shaping. And also a woman with her own mind, her own voice, her own path.
It's okay to stay connected to that part of your identity.
Why Staying Connected to Yourself Makes You a Better Mother
More than okay—it's imperative. Not just for you… but for them.
Children don't just need a mother who loves them. They benefit from knowing a mother who is alive in herself. Engaged. Curious. Expanding.
That makes you not only a better mother—but a more interesting, grounded, fully expressed human being.
What Women Without Children Can Teach Us About Identity
I've also noticed something else, especially now that I'm on the other side of raising young children. The women in my life who didn't become mothers — there is something about their energy that feels different.
Of course, there are parts of motherhood that are impossible to fully understand unless you've lived it. The depth of love, the constant pull, the identity shift—it's real.
At the same time, many of these women have held onto a certain continuity of self.
They have remained deeply connected to their interests, their passions, their way of seeing the world. There is often a lightness, a presence, and a clarity about who they are that can feel refreshing. Not better. Not worse. Just different. And maybe—valuable for all of us to witness.
It can be a reminder us that being a woman was never meant to disappear inside any one role.
My Grandmother's Quiet Wisdom About Motherhood and Identity
I remember talking to my grandmother about what it was like when she was raising my mom and my aunt. She told me that when her girlfriends came over to play cards, they didn't spend much time talking about their children.
She paused and said, almost casually, "We talked about interesting things."
Implying that our children are interesting to US, because they are ours. But they may not be very interesting to others. And that is SO OK! It's actually healthy.
I remember laughing when she said that. But it also stayed with me. There was something so normalizing about it. So freeing. There wasn't this constant pressure to get everything right. To analyze every moment. To carry the weight of every outcome.
They were mothers, yes. But they were also women… in conversation, in curiosity, in connection with the world beyond their children.
A Small Invitation to Remember Yourself This Mother's Day
Somewhere along the way, that seems to have shifted.
And maybe this is just a small invitation to shift it back.
Not by doing less for your children. But by remembering more of yourself.
You don't disappear when you become a mother. You expand. Your children don't need less of you. They need all of you. The woman you were. The mother you've become. And the person you are still becoming.
That is the version of you they will not only love—
but learn from, and ultimately, be friends with as adults.
